Neighborly Favor Against Evil

I met another neighbor yesterday.  The mother of the bird-flipping Popsicle processor next door.  I had just got home from a week long trip and barely out of the car when she called me over to her yard to see something.  She had me look at her grass between our trailers.  After a bit she asked if I thought it looked happy or not.  I said I thought it seemed ok.
She said said "Well, it's not.  And it's because of that shed of yours.  Do you plan to do anything about it?".
Confused, I very sincerely answered "No."
She was visibly distraught and just shook her head.  She went on to explain to me that my shed was a den of evil and she asked my permission to exorcise it.  I granted her permission to do so.  Why not?
I really just wanted to get inside and do laundry from my trip so I turned and started to walk away.  This infuriated her and she snapped at me, "My worthless bastard husband used to turn his back on me!!  Don't you do that!  Are you a worthless bastard?!"
I stopped, sighed, turned and answered "Not anymore.  I have alot of laundry to do."
She continued, "I left HIS worthless ass wonderin' what for!  He lost hisself a double unicorn when me and Maudy lit out.  Now I turn MY back!  Just you look here at this!"  She turned around and pulled up her shirt.  There, tattooed over her right kidney, was a double headed crying unicorn trampling on a pile of fiery broken hearts.  It was sickeningly glorious to behold.
"This here represents mine and Lauvy's (yes, I swear it was a different name this time) freedom of that POS!!"
It seemed to me that it just represented about $150 that she could probably use right now but I didn't say so.  Instead I said "That's very nice.  I have one of my family crest on my arm."
She put her shirt back, spit at my feet and dismissed me to attend to my laundry.
I didn't see or hear any more of her last night.  At 6 this morning however, I was awakened by some dull thuds coming from the direction of my shed.  I tried to tell myself to just ignore it and go back to sleep unless I smelled smoke.  Curiosity got the best of me though and I went out on the porch to see what was going on.
It was with minimal surprise that I witnessed my neighbor and her daughter, clad in their Sunday best Snuggies, circling my shed, a dead squirrel held by the tail in each hand, sort of half-twirling every other step so that they smacked perfectly at waist level.  A bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and a box of Popsicles laid nearby.
"Thank you" I said, and came back inside to make coffee.  They stopped after about 30 minutes.
I'm not sure if my shed is free of evil or not, but it is now banded by blood and fur at the two respective heights of the ritual participants.  I'm leaving it as proof that it can't possibly be MY shed making anymore grass unhappy.

Surrounded by friends.

Oh good....the ants are back.  Once again keeping my toothbrush company...patrolling my nightstand...making sure my coffee mug doesn't feel neglected.  I haven't seen them for quite some time now.  Makes me wonder what the f*** they've been planning!  A sprinkling of them sacrificed themselves in the name of  protein to this morning's smoothie.  That particular patrol wasn't notably flavorful, but their selflessness DID make me a little more appreciative as I slurped it down.

Welcome back little friends!  Tell you what...Leave my orifices alone this year and I'll take it easy on the Terro.  Deal?

Death From Above, Web-footed Terror Flocks

It's that time of year when the evening northwestern Missouri sky is often filled with geese landing in large fields.  If you're from this region then you know the sight I'm talking about.  It's an occurrence where the geese actually form their own traffic pattern with large groups joining in the flow to land safely.  It's really impressive. The T-Park is across the street from an evidently appealing field for geese and there are sometimes literally hundreds if not thousands of them circling in for landings.


Such an evening arrival was going on when I got home last night after work.  As I pulled up I saw a couple of my neighbors standing in the driveway next door watching it all.  I parked, got out and walked over to them.  They were pretty absorbed in the spectacle and I watched along with them for a minute or so. 

Finally I said "It's pretty impressive, isn't it?"  
Neither looked at me but one of them answered, "It sure is."  
A few seconds later, he asked no one in particular "Do you think there's a dead animal over there to make 'em circle like that?"  
I froze.  
The other answered, "Man I sure HOPE it's dead already. Otherwise there's a shitload of hurt rainin' down on it."  
Zoologist #1 grunted in agreement saying, "Got that right.  Probably just a dead cow or sumthin'."


I have already committed too many social errors in interactions with my neighbors to point out to these gentlemen that geese are not carnivorous, let alone nocturnal pack hunters of livestock.  I don't actually know why geese congregate in the fields at night, but I'm almost certain it's not for dining on bovine.  

I might have let the slightest snort of a laugh escape after the first question, but was able to quickly pass it off as a throat clearing.  
I watched for a few more seconds then excused myself with the most sincere "It'll all be over by morning" that I could muster.  
I quietly slipped away to leave them sole witnesses to the only beef-featured goose feeding frenzy I've ever heard of.


I'm quickly approaching a point where idle chit-chat will be a total impossibility.

Open Curtains

Wow, the weather is gorgeous today.  I wish I could open the curtains.  You don't see curtains or doors open in a T-Park.  I have a few theories on this.  


It could be that since they are all exactly the same and lined up so symmetrically, there is no way to have your curtains open without looking straight out, across the yard, and into your same exact room with minor and sometimes disturbing differences.  I already tried opening the bedroom curtains, and found myself looking 15 feet away into a copy of my own bedroom only with my contemporary painting themed decor replaced with rebel flags and Hank Williams Jr posters.  Every time I've tried letting some light in the living room by opening some curtains on the OTHER side of the trailer, I'm repeatedly flipped off by THAT neighbor's 5 year old who stations herself in their window eating a never ending supply of blow pops and cheese puffs in between her random full window view spankings.  


Of course, there's a strong possibility that to open curtains is to invite the curious eyes of the law into one's trailer.  I have no doubt that there is much illegal activity going on around the neighborhood and that I'm surrounded by current and/or former criminals.  There is a map of the T-Park at the community center that breaks it up into highlighted zones distinguished by the presence of liberating interference to ankle monitors.  There are also quite a few posted "Neighborhood Watch" signs, with a prominent phone number.  The fine print instructs concerned citizens to dial the number if we "see or suspect police or informant activity in the neighborhood" and by dialing it "the necessary inhabitants" would be notified via some sort of phone relay.


Finally, I suspect many people keep themselves closed in for the main reason that I do.  When you're INSIDE of a trailer, you can almost convince yourself that you're in a normal house.  I know that some people go so far as to put false doorways on exterior walls so that it looks like they could go into non-existent rooms or install false 1/4 stairwells that can give the occupant a sense that there is another floor.  Sometimes, when I'm inside, I forget that I'm basically inhabiting a well-appointed storage bin, and it's only once I open a door or curtain to see the box next to mine that I'm reminded that I live in a trailer.  A properly fitted single layer of cloth, pulled strategically across the window can block not only sunlight and the prying eyes of Johnny Law, but also the dismal reality that might otherwise be impossible to ignore.


Screw it!  I'm throwing ALL of the curtains and windows open.  I'll just flip my own birds, enjoy the beatings and put my MP3 of MLK's "I Have A Dream" speech on repeat loop blaring through the speakers in my bedroom.  It's a beautiful day today, even in the T-Park!  I'm taking it all in!