Clean T-Park

While walking back, I noticed that there were quite a few 55 gallon trash barrels around the neighborhood.  It’s good to see that there are some responsible measures being taken in order to keep the place clean tonight.  I hope that they are used for trash, but I wouldn’t doubt if I see at least one person discharging their bowels into one at some point in the evening.  Oh well, better than in my yard.

Mower Parade "Running Of The Fools"

The push mower parade was a pretty unique event.  One that I hope is not a precursor of things to come.  It got under way well enough and looked like it could have been quite a procession, but discrimination and copious amounts of alcohol dashed the hopes of many shoeless toddlers lining the streets ready to cheer for their favorite Yard-Man or Murray.  I later heard that there were grumblings in the staging area when it was immediately apparent that the newly recognized self-propelled class thought they should lead the way since their mowers had a governed speed and would not be able to easily follow without wearing on their machine’s clutches with multiple stops and starts.  The well established manual push class wasn’t having any of that and began boasting about their authentic push mower superiority.  There was much yelling, chest pounding and 2 cycle motor revving, but the parade started anyway.  When they passed by my location, about halfway along the parade route I could sense tension among the ranks.  I guess once they were out of view around the corner was when the first mower deck was tilted back exposing the spinning blades in a threatening manner.  I was told by a very excited and inebriated first hand “witness” that soon there wasn’t a single mower on anything but its hind-wheels.  As angry and terrified mowers owners hurried passed us and back to their sheds, this man slobbered his way through a recounting of blades clashing in spectacular bursts of sparking metal and plastic wheels and air thick with obscenities, 32:1 mixture smoke and side-discharged mower parts, fingers and toes.  He claimed that one poor fellow lost his grip allowing the mower fall back on all 4 wheels, where it was quickly covered by the others like “fire ants on a grasshopper” with the owner scrambling away on his belly.  The scene he described was certainly a gruesome one.   I wanted to hear more, true or not, but he said he had to hurry home to wake up his “little cat catchers”, whatever that meant.  I have no doubt that the parade didn’t make it to the intended stopping point, but I doubt anyone was seriously injured.  Surely that would have brought a halt to the rest of the evening’s festivities, right?  I’m off to The Kahler Trailer to fetch my entrée for the Warm-N-Swap.

New Years bulletin

Just found this flyer in my parking spot. Might be worse than I imagined. I plan to keep you all updated throughout the evening of the 31st. 
Photo was grainy, sorry.  It reads:

Riverview Estates Annual 5th
New Years Eve
Party

6PM: Mower Parade and Review
**Self Propelled Class Added**

+Rat Tail Braiding for the kids!
+Microwave dinner Warm-N-Swap!
+Best New Tattoo of 2011 Contest! 

Betty Sue Whitley will be signing
autographs and take pictures starting
at 7:30 at the mailbox hut.
++ Known from her 2009 Inside Edition appearance
      about Kenny Chesney paternity suit!


 Mower parade?...from the condition of the lawns earlier this year, I'll bet there aren't 4 working mowers in the whole park!
Rat Tail Braiding?...Yes, of course there is, for the kids.  I hope that this is some kind of sting operation for DFS.
Warm-N-Swap?...Gotta be honest, this is a good idea.  I'll participate, but I'm going to insist on seeing expiration dates.  Gonna be alot of pot pies I'll bet.
Tattoo Contest?...With no contest to win, I guess that Charlie Daniels likeness across your wife's back would just look silly.
Betty Sue?...I'm intrigued.  Looking forward to it.

 Riverview Estates, huh?... Never would have guessed that one. Could be referring to the storm control overflow ditch down by the dumpsters I guess.

Christmas

<p>1st Christmas in the park complete. Nothing at all like I expected. I'm asked how the holiday was "in the park". I don't know. Nobody does. T-Parkers don't stick around on Christmas. At about 8 am it looked like downtown rush hour, except that most cars weren't licensed and were filled to an average of 2 children past seatbelt capacity. Everyone was bound for a family member or friends house. Not for the company either, for the HOUSE. I talked to a few neighbors yesterday and all of the Christmas Day recounting followed the same general theme. Glorious stories of towering homes made of brick and mortar, vertigo inducing staircases that went to other floors, mailboxes on posts planted in yards like trees and fireplaces that weren't on DVD.&nbsp; The smells were a particular favorite as well. The aromas of Christmas for a T-Parker do not stop at fresh food and tree pine, but extend to the subtle scents from hardwood or real tile floors, sheetrock and the foreign damp muskiness that can only come up from an actual basement. Yes, Christmas IN the T-Park I think is a lonely time, one that I hope never to know. Our saviors birthday can be added to the list of best times to burgal a trailer park, along with any local stock car race day or clearance sale day at Dollar General.

Holiday Profits

I think I’ve stumbled onto a possible business venture here in the T-Park.  While out shopping the other day I just up and decided that I should go ahead and put up a Christmas tree.  I stopped at a tree lot and quickly picked one out that looked good to me.  The error of my non-trailer considerate decision was immediately apparent as soon as I got the tree onto my porch.  It was not going to go through the door, let alone fit in the living room area which I still have filled with post-divorce leather and mahogany furniture.  The only place to put it would be up against the wall fairly close to the front door. (Yes, trailers have “fronts”.  I was as surprised as you are.)  I don’t have many ornaments anyway, and I had to find a way to put the tree up and still have room to walk by it, so I decided to split it in half lengthwise.  This would allow me to butt it up against the wall while preserving a healthy fullness to its appearance.  So I drug it out behind the trailer (there’s a “behind” as well), got out the chain saw and went to work.  I don’t know how many of you have tried this but those who have know that it was no easy task.  The chain was repeatedly clogged by sap and by my attempting to cut along WITH the grain.  It took many starts and stops for that reason alone, but also because my neighbors kept coming out after hearing the chainsaw and offering their advice.  A concerning majority of them told me that the same problems are experienced while trying to chainsaw bones, “especially fresh femurs”.  I avoided eye contact, thanked them and was finally able to finish.  As soon as my tree was halved, a spontaneous auction started between my neighbors for the other half.  I paid $45 for the tree, spent about 1 hour on it, have myself a tree that fits perfectly and sold the other half for my initial $45 investment.  Not too shabby, huh?  I think that there might be a real market for professional Christmas tree halving!  These are great not only for T-Parkers, but for small apartment renters, college dorms and prisons as well.  The half-trees save room, look great, put off a piney aroma that you just can’t get from a whole tree and with the exposed sap they easily adhere to whatever wall you want to put them up against.  I love mine and think they could really satisfy an untapped market next holiday season.

2012 Approacheth

I think that New Years Eve preps are well under way in the T-Park.  I've noticed an increase in the number of live traps placed around the neighborhood, an appearance of numerous home-made signs on the corners advertising local deals on Everclear and Boone's Farm,  and that the ever-present Rebel flags are looking especially Bedazzled.  I DO NOT think that any of this is coincidental.  I fear that 2012 will be rung in by the report of stockpiled M-80's attached to various terrified T-critters, the intoxicated curse-riddled bellows of delight from shirtless lighter wielding rednecks and the ignored screams of angst from their Kool-aid stained children cowering behind paper thin aluminum walls that can't possibly protect them from their inevitable genetic future celebrating outside.  I'm planning to keep a fire extinguisher at hand and my car running throughout the night.  I'm sure I'll be praying for the Mayans to be prompt with their prediction.

12th Day Of Christmas

On the 12th day of Christmas, the T-Park gave to me...

12 Rotting Possums

11 Milk Crate Lawn Chairs,

10 Turkey Fryer Fires,

9 Evicted Neighbors, 

8 "South Will Rise" signs, 

7 Nights With No Sleep, 

6 Pipes A Freezing, 

5 War-rants served, 

4 Inbred Cats, 

3 Meth Labs, 

 2 Repo'd Cars 

and the Tire Fire In My Back Yard.

10th Day Of Christmas

On the 10th day of Christmas, the T-Park gave to me...

10 Turkey Fryer Fires,

9 Evicted Neighbors, 

8 "South Will Rise" signs, 

7 Nights With No Sleep, 

6 Pipes A Freezing, 

5 War-rants served, 

4 Inbred Cats, 

3 Meth Labs, 

 2 Repo'd Cars 

and the Tire Fire In My Back Yard.

Freezing Garbage

I've started freezing garbage.  It's out of complete necessity I assure you.  This particular model of trailer did not come with garbage disposal or even equipped to handle one.  The plumbing is all crooked under the kitchen sink from a misjudged initial parking or maybe a strong Southerly wind.  It is a misaligned labyrinth of hamster-maze quality piping and decade old duct tape under there and it leaks.  I have a plastic tub underneath it all that catches a significant percentage of whatever goes down the drain.  In order to ensure that the water in the tub stays clean, I can't do much actual rinsing.  I used to wipe down all of my dirty dishes thoroughly with paper towels into the garbage, but since there's no actual trash service I have to make sure that I don't let the garbage sacks get too smelly to ride down to the dumpster in my car.  The solution was obvious...collect and freeze my wet garbage scrapings and save them until I take the trash out.  It's working so far aside from the occasional nasty surprise when I think I'm warming up leftovers.  Of course I would love to get a disposal installed, but most plumbers won't step foot in a T-Park due to an unwritten but all too real agreement with the local T-Park handymen, women and children.  (Child labor laws in a trailer park have all the relevance of books or toothbrushes.)  There IS a local handyman, but of course he works on trade, and at this time is only in need of 300 or more unlabeled pill bottles, a handlebar for an '84 Honda 3-wheeler or autographed Garth Brooks anything.  I don't have any of that and until I do, the freezer continues to fill as does my leak tub.

9th Day Of Christmas

On the 9th day of Christmas, the T-Park gave to me...

9 Evicted Neighbors, 

8 "South Will Rise" signs, 

7 Nights With No Sleep, 

6 Pipes A Freezing, 

5 War-rants served, 

4 Inbred Cats, 

3 Meth Labs, 

 2 Repo'd Cars 

and the Tire Fire In My Back Yard.

Parking Spots and Dating (revised from December 6 2011)

2 new developments lately my faithful readers.  First, parking.  I have enough parking space for 2 cars, but only own 1.  It seems that by not filling the vacant spot with a rotting 80's Z28 or a Harley worth 3 times as much as the trailer, I have left the spot open for public use.  My neighbors have taken to helping themselves to parking in my driveway!  I suppose that this could be viewed as a gesture of trust or acceptance, but I suspect that I am simply being taken advantage of by them in hopes of confusing the repo-man on his daily route through the T-Park.  The extra spot IS open most of the time as I have no visitors but I feel like I should keep it open for the occasional tourist or Facebook Fan or so the police have a place to park when taking a statement after one of my many calls.  Putting up a No Trespassing sign seems completely ridiculous in a community where your entire house can easily be stolen while you're at work.  I can't let myself be pushed around though, at least not in my own driveway.  Am I being tested?

I've also been outed as a single man in the T-Park after is was pointed out that I have yet to be heard "yellin' at my ol' lady".  It has immediately been suggested that I am long overdue for a visit by a young lady in the community that is evidently known for spending time with single men or "tearing off a piece" I believe is how it was worded.  When I said that I would be open to going on a date with her I was met with maniacal laughter and told to just make sure I had plenty of Little Debbie Peanut Butter Bars by Friday evening, advised not to make direct eye contact and that leaving my door unlocked would NOT be necessary now that I had made The List.  I've also been asking the woman's name since learning of my impending date and I always experience the same response from man, woman and child....they tilt their heads back, grab their throat and scream "pork and beans!"  While this has caused me quite a bit of concern obviously, I also have to admit that I'm intrigued as well.

Wish me luck with the parking situation and I guess you can be happy for me for getting back in to the dating game (albeit with a hint of reluctant terror).  If you want to come visit be sure to give me plenty of notice so I can open up a parking spot.  Also, if the trailers a rockin', no need for knockin'.  Please just notify the proper authorities as soon as possible

The Possum Incident (revised from November 19 2011)

Not even here a month yet and I've had my first dead opossum removed from beneath the trailer.  I should emphasize "first" because it has been pointed out that it will NOT be my last.  The whole experience has had it's pros and cons.  On the plus side, it did earn me some more fairly early T-cred.  It's another right of passage I guess.  I was eyed suspiciously while reporting it.  They stopped just short of accusing me of planting the rodent in order to earn the accompanying respect.  I assured them that it was not my doing and then I think I convinced them that there's no way I could have planted it when I started screaming "EEEWWWWWW!!!" and "ICKY!! ICKY!!" upon first seeing the carcass.  Another plus is obviously the common ground that I now have and can use during conversations.  I don't even have to lie now!!  On that note, I'm pretty sure my neighbors figured out that I don't have a UFO fearing, leash hating dog like I told them.  In my opossum panic excitedness, I let it slip that I had been out of town all week without arranging for dog-care.  It was also pointed out that my dog should have alerted me to the vermin's presence long before the bloating and bursting stages that it was eventually discovered in.  The final negative aspect, my dear friends, is the smell.  It was impressive.  There were zones of the trailer that would actually bring me to the verge of regurgitation.  I have to assume that this particular opossum was forced to take up residence beneath me after being expelled from his own community due to BO and poor overall hygiene.  May he rest in wretched, putrid horrifyingly smelly peace.

I didn't even need to pay an exterminator or any other professional.   I just paid a T-Park urchin $5 to scamper under there for it. He brought it out and told me to keep the $5 if he could keep the carcass. It worked out well for everyone.